The reason I’m fat is because it’s the only way my naturally tiny body can store all this personality. #PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
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Planet Fitness
Exercise check-in
I was told to take my new meds on an empty stomach. I haven’t had an empty stomach since 2014. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
Note: Image generated by Gemini AI
Exercise check-in
The trainer asked me, “What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?” I said, “Diddly.” |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
Before I get in shape, does anyone like me chubby? |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
The first day of spring was an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring.
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
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Exercise check-in
The most exercise I get is tugging on my shirt so it doesn’t look so tight. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
What the hell??? I skinny-dipped for 14 days in a row and didn’t lose an ounce. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
#Home: #Strengthening #Core #Back |
Exercise check-in
I get a runner’s high on the way to the fridge.
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #UpperBody |
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Exercise check-in
I got kicked out of group exercise class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
I prefer sit-ups to jumping jacks. At least I get to lie down after each one. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
According to my F𝐚tBit, I’ve sat on my ass for 4 full hours today. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
When I’m exercising, nothing’s funny and everybody’s ugly. Don’t talk to me. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
I feel bad punishing my legs for something my mouth did. But here we are. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
My goal weight is one chin. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
No matter how much you exercise, you’ll never burn off 40 pounds of whore. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
I found the perfect gym outfit to wear on the couch. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your couch not doing yoga. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
My favorite exercise class is one that’s canceled. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
I didn’t come out of the womb, I came out of the pantry. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical #15MinutesTreadmill |
Exercise check-in
I stay a little heavy to make it easier to distinguish my clothes from my husband’s when we’re folding laundry. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
My daydreams about being skinny are always interrupted by the sound of my own chewing. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
Doing crunches twice a day now—Cap’n in the morning, Nestlé in the afternoon. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical #15MinutesTreadmill |
Exercise check-in
I’ve learned to use meditation and exercise to relieve stress. Just kidding. I’m on my third bourbon and soda. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
I’m pretty sure my soulmate is carbs. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
I ran my first marathon today. Just kidding. I’m on my third cupcake. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
These jokes on the side of food packages are getting absurd. Today’s was: Serving size is 2 cookies. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical #15MinutesTreadmill |
Workout Buddies or Husbands?
There was a pre-metrosexual-era internet “street quiz” called “Gay or Eurotrash?” It presented a picture of a “stylish” guy, and you had to guess whether he was gay or “just European.” It was all tongue-in-cheek, but funny. At least the first 20 times “playing.”
I’ve been thinking about that quiz the past couple of days at Planet Fitness, where I’ve seen several pairs of guys at various times on various days working out together—a few of which seemed just a little too “stylish” (think those very short workout shorts with the slits up the sides) or a little too “well groomed” (think highly coiffed hair with lots of products in it) or standing just a little too “close” for spotting.
They’ve made me think of a variation on that game that I’d call “Workout Buddies or Husbands?”

Workout Buddies or Husbands

Workout Buddies or Husbands

Workout Buddies or Husbands

Workout Buddies or Husbands

Workout Buddies or Husbands
Exercise check-in
I’m getting real sick and tired of food having calories. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
One day I hope to have a family to match the serving size I eat. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical #15MinutesTreadmill |
I earned a “get out of jail free” card by working out today, on my usual day off. I’ll skip a day on either Wednesday or Thursday of this week, if the predicted bad weather actually comes through.
Judgy-Judgerson to a whole new level
Spent some time today during my upper-body workout at Planet Fitness reflecting on how I became such a rule-follower and resisting the very strong urge I have to police the rule-breakers, telling myself, “You don’t work here,” “This has nothing to do with you,” and “Finish your own workout and get out of here.”
Background
Planet Fitness has a rule stating:
There was a guy there tonight in flip flops — who happened to be hot, which made it extra challenging for me not to keep looking at him — doing free weights and the multi-station workout machines.
Here are all the thoughts I had over the course of the 45 minutes I was there:
“I wonder why no front-desk workers have told him that he can’t be working out in those because it’s a safety hazard.”
“Why hasn’t that digital sign on the monitors throughout the gym come up to that slide that says, “Flip flops are great at the beach. But they are a hazard at the gym. And not allowed.”
“That guy would never just happen to walk by the monitors at a time when that one slide was showing anyway, much less be looking at it — or care.”
Once when he walked right by me, I thought hard: “Don’t do it. Don’t say anything. Man, he’s hot.”
“I wonder if I alerted the front desk people to him, if they would actually approach him.”
“I wonder if I did alert the front desk to the situation, and they didn’t approach the guy, and then the guy dropped a weight on his foot and sued Planet Fitness…”
Bless my absolute mess.
Exercise check-in
I’ve been dieting all morning. Am I skinny yet? |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
I suck in my gut when I weigh myself. It doesn’t make me weigh any less, but it does allow me to see the readout on the scale. |
#PlanetFitness #Cardio #30MinutesElliptical #15MinutesTreadmill |
Exercise check-in
Diet Day 1: I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious. |
#PlanetFitness #Strengthening #Core #Back #UpperBody |
Exercise check-in
I thought the dryer shrank my clothes. Turns out it was actually the refrigerator. |
#PlanetFitness #40MinutesElliptical |
Exercise check-in
Doctor: Do you exercise?
Me: Yes, I do push-offs, plonks, and cronches.
Doctor: I’m just gonna put “No.”
#PlanetFitness #CoreStrengthening #UpperBodyStrengthening
Exercise check-in
If I die while I’m exercising, be sure to put in my death notice: “He died doing what he hated.” #PlanetFitness #ExerciseCheckIn #40MinutesElliptical
Exercise check-in
Personal trainer: “Do you skateboard or snowboard?”
Me, shaking my head: “I only charcuterie board.” #PlanetFitness #CoreStrengthening #UpperBodyStrengthening
Exercise check-in
I ate a sleeve of Thin Mints, a cup of Wheat Thins, and a bowl of Thin Spaghetti. I’m 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 not thin. #PlanetFitness #ExerciseCheckIn #30MinutesElliptical
Exercise check-in
Inside me there is a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes. #PlanetFitness #UpperBody #CoreStrengthening #BackStrengthening
Exercise check-in
I don’t need a personal trainer so much as I need someone to follow me around and slap food out of my hands. #PlanetFitness #ExerciseCheckIn #45MinutesElliptical #Done
Exercise check-in
Not to brag or anything, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes. #PlanetFitness #ExerciseCheckIn #CoreStrengthening #UpperBodyStrengthening
Three 50-word stories about conversations I fantasize about having with people at the gym.
The rule-breaker | The screamers | The hottie |
Yes you’re correct; I don’t like you. You don’t wipe down the machines after using them. You put your bag on the floor as you move around the gym. I finish 3 machines — 9 sets, 135 reps — while you sit on one using your phone or yammering with your friends. | When I see you three guys walk into the gym, I think: “Here comes The Loudlys!” Are any of you hearing impaired? You shout when you talk to each other, and you talk incessantly while you’re here. I shouldn’t be able to make out your conversation clear across the gym. | Dude. That sleeveless muscle tank top with the extreme-drop armholes is really working for you. It shows off everything you want to show when you knowingly bend forward at that perfect angle exposing both your pecs and abs. I think we all know that that money shot is no accident. |